Cake anyone?

Bree's birthday yesterday was a bittersweet day. On one hand, it is exciting that we have made it a year with our sweet girl. She has overcome so much, and has changed dramatically. I will never forget her in the isolette, so small and fragile with all the tubes and wires, all the beeps and alarms, and the fear of touching her for fear of hurting or breaking her being so small.

However, compared to then, the present is more difficult for her. Yes, it was scary then because her life hung in the balance...but all she was responsible for was to live, and to grow. And for us as parents, we were required to come see her, touch her, and talk to her. I had the added responsibility of pumping milk for her but that was it.

Now, it pains me to see her struggle so hard just to figure out how to roll over from her back to her stomach. This is something that a common six month old can do...yes, I know she is delayed and it is easy to say "well look at where she started at."...But try telling that to her. She doesn't understand that. All she knows is that she tries to roll over 50 plus times a day and she can't. If Mom helps her, it is much easier, but she wants to do it herself...and she can't.

There are a host of other things that fall into this category, but I am not going to dwell upon each one specifically. Normally, I am a pretty upbeat person, but there are small little comments or things that can strike me and knock me off of my happy little pedestal. Yesterday, one of those such things happened. As we were wrapping up her physical therapy session and preparing to leave, her physical therapist (who doesn't know us very well) asked me if we were going to go home and have some cake with Bree. The first thing that popped into my mind was "No, she doesn't eat anything by mouth so how the heck am I suppose to give her cake? If I give her cake she will aspirate and end up with pneumonia so NO I am not giving her cake". Instead of saying that I covered and said "No, we are just going to go home and enjoy being a family and celebrating that Bree is here with us today."

Regardless of what I told the therapist, her comment and my thoughts haunted me all of last night and most of today. There are many things in her life that Bree will not do on time, or even be able to do if she is unable to ever eat by mouth. However, we must remain positive, no matter how hard it is, and rejoice in the fact that she is here with us today. She is who she is because of what has transpired in her life so far....whether it is good or bad, painful or pleasant. Her happy smiles and wonderful demeanor makes me feel like the luckiest mom in the world...whether or not she can eat cake.